First off, I must state, any update here on this blog, in the attributes of both of when it happens, and what it's about, is seemingly random, and should not be assumed or attributed to any single meaning or signal. Just putting that out there...

I'm deciding to update this blog today due to something that's making me slightly dis-content with the functionality of my life, which, for those of you who know me well, know that I absolutely can not stand this.

I'm also gonna admit, I really am un-happy with the fact that I have been utilizing this blog for a lot of complaining and explanations of things I dislike, and I'm sorry about that. I feel bad for anyone who stumbles upon this blog thinking that it is a regular feed of my life, not taking into consideration both the width between the dates of each post, and what usually gets me going to write each post in the first place. Either way, I'll leave that up to each person to figure out, considering I'm going to live and think what I think regardless of what someone reading this blog might conclude about me.

Also, there's been monumental changes in my relationships, my job situation, my future, friendships, and things like that, as everyone in life experiences. I am choosing not to talk about these things, because I personally think they are boring and stupid, and if I come back and read this 1-year from now, I'd probably end up wanting to punch myself in the face. Not due to regret, but due to how stupid I can see myself being sometimes. Relationships, friendships, jobs, money, fuck that shit man, it's boring hah. I'd rather talk about deeper things. Not the universe and stuff, but just, my perception on little things that only I myself care about in life, regardless of my statuses in stupid normal things like "relationships."

Well now that that clusterfuck of an explanation is out of the way, time to move on to the actual stimuli that caused me to write today

I really can not complain about my actual day to day life. I work a nice job with pay that fits me well, I don't get bitched at at all, and don't hate my work. I still have quite a bit of friends online, including those that help me out with my current en-devours. I have a family that is loving, and is always here for me, even though I am avoiding my parents in some ways lately. (They're minds are starting to break down into old age I suspect. They function normally otherwise, but they're having a harder and harder time understanding things from a young person's perspective, including music, language development, technology, and some more things. It's not important and I'll discuss that another time, and I'm also not worried about it really.)

I'd really not like to lodge a complaint as if there's something wrong with that system, since really it's functioning quite nominally, and in a way where it's at my level, can move fluidly when I am comfortable doing so, and it's not very stressful at all.

I guess, where my main "problem" starts, is that.... there's so much I'm capable of. SO MUCH that I'm willing to achieve. SO FUCKING MUCH that I can see in my future, my paths, my dreams, and I can't achieve any of it. Not because I don't know how. Not because of money. Not because of parental limitations or even LEGAL limitations. Simply. Because. I. Am. Completely. Alone.

I have friends that I see on the weekends that do my podcasts, I have my family, I have my close friends on TeamSpeak, and I even have a very close friend on TeamSpeak that helps me with all my server and IT problems. This is great, and it functions as a single system, but I feel as if my mind is going to explode with lust toward what I can't have or do, SIMPLY BECAUSE I am alone in perusing it from my current position. 

I'll admit this, most of it, most of my dream, is all the radio stuff. It's the pirate radio, it's the FM transmissions, it's the recording studio geekery, and best of all, it's the late nights exploring ways to hook up hardware. I'll fully admit, my passion and dream in life lies in full 24/7 FM pirate broadcasting syndicated production radio, that me, and maybe some furries will do together. I know such a fun little life dream that I might never reach right?

I'll say this. If I got shot tomorrow, and had 15 seconds left before my brain stopped functioning, to accept that the world is saying goodbye to me, would I be satisfied with my life? Yes. Absolutely 100% yes.

I am living today, right now, belly filled with food, thirst served with Pepsi, money served with a nice job, and interests mostly served with my close friendships. I'm living a life that is satisfactory.

See, this is not my problem. My problem is not that my life is "not okay" or anything. My problem is not that I'm single currently, or that I don't make enough money, or that I'm hungry, or that I don't have my own HD TV, the latest iPhone, the latest computer hardware, no. MY PROBLEM is that I'm CAPABLE OF MORE THAN THIS, and it's NOT BEING UTILIZED, SIMPLY BECAUSE I CAN NOT FIND ANYONE TO PURSUE MY DREAMS WITH. I don't need to go crazy just yet, but even someone to BRAINSTORM with or someone to just drink tea and ponder something with would be perfect.

So what do I need? What do I want? Look, this little "radio pirate" dream thing is not all that I would like to see for my future at all. It's not even the only part of my dream, this is just an example, this is just the peek prime thought process that renders a perfect example of where my discontent with my "satisfactory life" comes from.

I am simply using the pirate radio scheme as an example that everyone reading this can understand. There's so many projects, builds, things, discoveries, hacks, and more that are included with this. "I want to produce pirate radio someday" is just a pinnacle example of "oh, a life dream type thing, yeah," so I'm using it for this blog post. Understand?

What I want, is people. Furries? Yeah whatever, PEOPLE. That are PASSIONATE. PASSIONATE for the SAME THING I AM. Passionate for their entire life's elements to be broken down into their bare bone essentials in order to produce something. I don't need more sex, although that's always nice. I don't really need any more love, although that's always nice. I don't really need more Pepsi either, although /that/ is always nice.... What I need is a team, a group, a household, a PACK, or just, people who obsess over the same things I do.

Maybe one single person would work, who knows. I want someone who I can chill with, have it be 2AM, and say... you know what? Let's fuckin' go war-driving! Or maybe 3AM, and say, you know what? Let's look at model circuits for dual-speed PLL exciters!

Am I dreaming too much? Am I just a young wolf who wants to just live his dream with other people who want to live it too? Is this just too much to ask for in a society that explodes with loads of cum at the thought of doing nothing interesting other than providing for a system that endlessly produces more walmart stores and enough credit card debt to make the entire earth itself worth less than a single american dollar?

Don't get me wrong, my life flows, it works, it functions, and it's satisfactory. I refuse to sit here and say I'm completely unhappy with this normal life. It works, and I can't complain. Not that my position to start with doesn't help, or that it isn't harder for other people that are not as lucky as me, both of which I have a problem with due to how unfair that is, but still.

I want to LIVE. I want to take my obsessive mind and just THROW it at an entire team of people who care more about the schematic for an over-modulation protection circuit than they do about eating food that day.

Maybe, I'm just normal. Maybe this makes me just like everyone else. Or does it? Am I immature by taking these dreams of what I love, and throwing them so hard at my growing goals that it makes me discontent? Should I just shut up and live life and wait for this to just happen? Am I complaining too much?

No, you know what, I don't think I am. I think that if anyone's gonna accomplish a dream in life, it's the person who can sit there and admit that they HAVE a dream who's gonna get there first, or... get there at all.

Pirate radio or not, I'm alone in pursuing my dreams right now, and until I find someone, I guess I'll just go to work every day, and see my friends on the weekends. I'm alright with that. I have bad days and good days, but I can be sure that my mind will always push to get what I really want in life. It's not money, systematic success, a family, kids, consumer goods, no... it's just a pack of wolves that surround their den with the things they love in life, that they achieve solely through working together, creating, building, finding, exploring, learning, succeeding and embracing. I'm one of them.
Find me, wolves.

It's been on for a day and a half now and it bugs me. I think I'm going to call them and tell them.

At the end of my street, there's a little brick utility building.

Infact, here's a picture:


I've spent over two weeks and many hours of research figuring out what this little building is. I'm fascinated. I can't help myself.

It has a public service parcel on my town's parcel map. It has 2 120volt lines going into it, a natural gas line, a cable line, ANNDDD a BIG UHF antenna.

That last one fascinates me the most I think. You're probably thinkin', "Ahh it's just some electric sub-station" or "ahh it's a phone routing terminal." Maybe you think it monitors the gas lines, or bounces a radio signal....


Nope.

It is a storm sewer pumping station. See that metal grate? It's about two stories deep, filled with massive pipes, and a lot of running water sounds coming up from it.

How do I know? Well it took me looking into three different parcel maps, but the one for my state county, lists the parcel as "Purpose: Sewage." From there, using directional senses, I  can see the pipes go right in the direction of some manhole covers that are labeled for the storm drain system.

 I feel bad I don't write here as often as I do. An entire life feels like it's gone by twice over since the last time I wrote. So many issues, and counseling meetings, and internships, and job searching, and relationships since the last post. But who cares about that stuff? That's normal boring stuff that's the same on every blog.

I think right now the two biggest things in my life, are 1. My music and the way it seems to float my internal metronome to what seems like a purr healing frequencies inside my head, and 2. My subjective perspective on things and how I analyze them using my own personal psychology.

I'm glad I found a few movies to satisfy number 2, Then when it comes to 1, FNT and my endless quest for Electro House, Progressive House, Minimal Techno, and Psy Trance will always fill that gap.

So you could say I'm satisfied right? Well, I guess I am, writing this in the realm of my worry free life, gleefully noming this chocolate bar as I type this. But my psychology needs more than it's objective suspension, and it's frequency attuning music.

I supose uncertainty is the biggest thing that bothers me. I know theoretically things will always be uncertain, hence absurdity, but yet, it's the uncertain of the little care I do give to the future of my life. I'm the kind person that lives in the now, and enjoys pondering maybe 4 months or less of the future of my life. Other than that, nothin'. Still, this past month has probably been the very hardest time period in my entire life. Does it just feel that way? The truth is it doesn't matter. I render it as such current feeling and therefore it is a problem.

Now true, life should not revolve around proble--------, but you can't help letting yourself go to the misery and the pain that this freely provided instinctual feeding-less worry-less life is programmed to have. Once this code is accepted, there's two options anyway.
Go to the jungle and take psychotropic drugs, or fuckin' suffer. I guess I suffer... some subwoofers with just the right phasing still gives me a hard-on to this day, so I make that choice.

Ahh comic relief. A distraction merely. Is that because we are weak minded? Nah, I think it's just because under politically correct conditions, we can't admit to ourselves that even the most tragic of story has good parts to it, and so we laugh and claim it's us distracting ourselves from the misery. Well, maybe. :3

Anyway, back on topic here... I guess my biggest problem (again I hate this idea that I revolve around a problem in life, but it's sadly true) is this big uncertain change I'm forced to undergo.

Will it end? Sure? Will there be more? Of course.

Either way, it makes me want to do only one thing, and that is isolate myself from people entirely. Probably an unhealthy move too. I fail at it anyway, since I get so bored I guess. 

Maybe what I need is just to re-organize my thoughts, go about each day as a normal process, and not actually let the data ahead get to me and bottleneck my deduction engine(s).

So, what do you do then? Distract yourself. Sometimes I wish I did it as well as most American's probably do. TV, Xbox, Netflix, porn to masturbate to, eating lots and lots and lots of food. I don't know. I guess none of these things distract me. Especially movies, and video games to mention specific failures on my part. I just can't do the whole gaming scene and get into it, which not only makes me feel left out with my friends, but it makes me feel bored with all that I do have, that many others wish they did. As for movies, well, I hate most standard Hollywood movies. There's no depth. Just like everything that's not in this blog right now. The stupid fuckin' relationships (I'm sorry they're just stupid, no question from my perspective), their personal issues, and then explosions to knock them around a bit so they're in a daze and can function normally. Sounds like a Hollywood action flick! HAHA I'm spending so much time makin' fun of it. In reality, I need good psychological thrillers...... and I'm not talkin' about like, horror thrillers. I'm talkin' like, American Beauty, Fight Club, The Nines, Donnie Darko, Run Lola Run, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Zodiac, maybe even some Anime like Death Note. There's plenty more, but you get the point. I need something that makes me ponder perspective traveling. No other movies do that these days, well at least. Pulp Fiction probably does that better than most movies that come out today.


I'm doing all that I can, to make life this functional being, while making it suffer the least. Life seems to resolve around problems, mistakes, and hindering tidbits that just make you want to end it all. Maybe that's a lesson here. Life is just here to fuck with you, so you might as well fuck it right back.

It's not a war between two hacker groups, or a morality war, or a war at all, but simply, a challenge designed to test you up the ass until you're dead and your score is marked. Then the center of the universe, what ever it is, forgets to save the game file.

That's when you give up and decide that having fun was what made it worth it.

 Alive. I am.

Random post to identify the auspice of me desiring to update this blog with a higher frequency than the current one of mental demise.

What?

 So I'm writing this to everyone who has been wondering why I went crazy on Wednesday. This post will probably be quite disorganized, and very elongated. I'm starting this post in my morning Cisco class in school, and I don't know when I'll finish it.

So Wednesday, I had a pretty typical day. Some standard stresses, and the rest of the nothingness classes to wipe me out. That was all I needed to come home tired and depressed. I can't exactly complain about my day of ease and deadness, but I will for now. The shows and my new local furry friends are about the only cool fun exciting thing in my life right now. Marf. No problem right?

So anyway I sat down in the main family room of my house where Josh was sitting at his laptop, I believe playing WoW, and I just sat down and was pretty dead. We started arguing pretty quickly. Josh didn't exactly do anything wrong, but he kept telling me how I let school get to me too much. The argument continued with senseless fast paced banter, that let's just say, ended with me blowing up. I remember taking my extra sweatshirt and throwing it with quite a lot of energy at the table in front of him. It didn't hurt anything valuable, other than knocking some papers over. He completely shut down after that. I pretty much started crying/yelling and sitting there playing with the iPod touch. I eventually put it on the table, said "I don't want to see that thing again until at least 2 weeks" and left the room. I went up into my room and basically cried for a while, and finally went on my computer to talk to a good online friend of mine Davina. For the first time in probably years, I have stopped internet communication. I have halted answering people on most chat protocols, and mainly stick to what ever I'm specifically doing on my computer. I just can't handle it right now.

So what's the problem?

Thanks to Josh, and my ability to randomly blow up at him, I solved my problem. He doesn't hate me right now I'm sure, but I guarantee we won't be talking for a few days.

My problem is that I've lost my home. I've been like this ever since my relationship ended, and it's been building up inside since. Loosing my relationship by itself isn't' a problem thought. I'm not talking about the home you walk into and hang your jacket up. I'm talking about my place of belonging. Imagine my emotions as the Windows operating system. Not because of blue screens or driver problems or any of the stereotypes... no... just, imagine that you've installed it, everything works, and the only thing left is to validate the key. You need an internet connection right? Then it connects to the server. If you don't activate it, then it locks down, and just about the only thing you can use on the computer, is basic kernel function, and the internet options in the GUI. My emotions are this operating system right now. I have no server to validate with. I'm locked down.

I had a home though. I looked forward to it every weekend. This is not something I look back on and realize either. In fact, I remember specifically, it was the 4th week after I had been hanging out with my ex and his partner, that I sat down on my couch, and said "This is it. I'm done. I could live like this for the rest of my life and be satisfied, and besides slight changes from day to day, this is how I want it to be. I knew who I was. I had who I was. I loved who I was.

Here's what I need. This is pretty typical of some Hollywood movie or story book type thing, but it makes the most sense to explain. I strive to be different. I don't mind pretending, but I need to have the idea in my head that if people knew the inside of me, they'd give me the strangest look in the world. Imagine me being this little alien person. I transform into a human, and go to school. I act quite normal. Maybe my day is shitty, maybe it's good, but the point is it's all fine and dandy with me pretending. The kids at the school pretty much think "Oh, he's just some random average looking computer geek kid or something," but little do they know the inside. Then after school I go to a cave with all the other little alien people. There aren't that many of them, but we transform back, and we discuss our days, and live our lives in our own way.
This is similar to what I had. But here's the problem now. I LOST that home. I don't have a cave anymore. It's not that I lost my identity, or my interests, or even the other things I did in life. I haven't even lost all my friends or anything, no... but I'm this alien stuck here, and I have no validation for who I am. What kills me the most, is some kid in school could say the exact same quote stated above, AGAIN. "Oh, Caleb? Yeah he's just a random average looking computer kid I guess"... but but.... HE'S RIGHT! I mean, I have no proof anymore that I'm not just that! I know what I am inside, and that I have the ability to live in the cave like the other aliens, but right now, that kid in my school who says that, is absolutely right about me with his assumption, and that... just.... kills me.

In other words of all that, I'm striving to find where I belong, or my belonging. This belonging needs to be beyond normal people from my perspective. I used to have this. I had it, and I loved every single bit of it. In fact I loved it so much that I was causing pain to the other members without even realizing it. I went sorta crazy with it, and they never informed me. I realized I was doing some things wrong, and I quickly fixed those problems, but it obviously was no-where near enough. I was into it so much, that they left me.

Not my relationship, not the house it all happened in, not even the particular people. See, they were moving out before I even met them. But that didn't matter. That didn't mean I was losing it, that just meant that what maintained that environment was transitioning. True, I'd cry the day the move happened, and it might be a little hard, but I wasn't going to loose it right? Well add in some relationship banter, and me holding on to something so tight that everyone else gave up on me, they left. I'm alone now, with no home. The last thing I had left of what was only still a FRACTION of that environment I needed, is gone. My fault? Theirs? It doesn't even really matter.

I need a new home. I know that old one will never return, and I already accept that, and I've already figured that out and have been trying to move on. Thanks to the fight with Josh, only JUST NOW, AS OF THIS POST, have I finished the stages of withdrawal. EVEN if they read this post, even if the people involved saw exactly this, right now, this paragraph, I know they still won't contact me. I'm not asking them to. I was and still little bit am upset with how they pushed me away, without hearing why I did what I did, or understanding my perspective... or how they assumed that my problem was continuing due to the past... but it doesn't matter now. What matters now, is that I need a new home.

For this last couple of months, I could never understand how even if one of my local furries offered hugs, or snuggles, I almost wanted to turn it down. It was always so awkward. They at least, right now, can never match the feeling of what it was like to hug one of my "alien friends from the cave I had." That cave was not the house it was in. It was not the boyfriend I had within it. It was not anything particular. It was the sum of the entire environment.  It was the validation of who I was, who I wanted to be, in an accessible place, with love, and acceptance, and fun, and excitement, and culture. These people still exist, and that house still exists. But it's not my home anymore because that same environment has died. I can't go a day, without smelling something, or hearing a song, or doing something that reminds me of what it was like to have my little cave friends. They were me.

The friends I have now are so amazing. They're nice, respectful, mature, interested, and well, I could not ask for better people to be friends with me right now, including everyone involved in my broadcasting. 

I don't need a boyfriend. I don't need several boyfriends. I don't need another house. I don't need hugs and snuggles. I don't need anymore love really. I don't need a new interest. I don't need an identity. I NEED A HOME. A home for my personality and my emotion, and my energy.

My life is pretty damn stable now. It has been for a while. I mean, jesus christ I'm advertising on Furaffinity! I've got friends that are climbing over each other to broadcast with me, and school is easy, and well... yeah life seems to be flowing fine. I'm not worried about that. I'm not worried about my outsides, I'm worried about my insides.

No-one will understand the feeling my last home gave me. No-one can understand how important it was to me. I was happy. I was done. I was satisfied. Well, I'm not stupid enough to think that life just satisfies itself and then keeps it self that way. Of course things have to fuck with you, I know this. This is why I have an interest to continue, find it again, move along, keep my outside interests, my friends, and just keep going. You could try telling me I'm an immature bastard. You could try telling me that life is too good to have a problem like this. You could, but you're not going to. I'll solve this, it will just take some time. Life is too fucking awesome to hate for things like this. The more and more I continue the more I enjoy being alive honestly.

I will always have love for what I had, and I will always have passion to get what I had again. Most people do not reach the point of saying "Oh my god, I've done it! I've got exactly what I want in life."

See, even if life continued, even if I had to move jobs, and change schools, and find other friends sometimes, and had broadcasting problems, and fights.... everything would have been okay. Those things NEVER end... but as long as I had that home I had before.... all of life..... would have been okay.

It still will be. I'm ready... life... you crazy bastard. Find me a new home, not just the pieces of one.

 Well I'm back in this teenage wasteland. Raiker left back to Canada. I think despite all the good shifting advice he gave about Therianthropy on FurCast, and despite hangin' out with all my friends, the thing that made it the most worth it, was the cuddling we did together.

It was exactly what I needed. I'm not going to say I'm satisfied as if it's enough yet, but it hit the spot, let me tell ya. It's one of the things that makes me miss my last relationship the most, is the snuggling. It was so perfect, and I even remember myself admitting that I was totally satisfied when I had it. I hope I can find this snuggling or similar snuggling back in my life soon.

I'm also quite proud of my interests. We got a new studio condenser mic. I may or may not have blogged about this earlier, but just the fact that I got a second version of the most expensive thing in my studio, PURELY from donations, really makes me happy. As I look at the past, I realize that my entire network of friends is powered by these damn shows. It really brings people together somehow.
Within this week, we will be adversing on FurAffinity. FurCast specifically will be showing in the ad banner section of the website, again, powered purely, from viewer donations. I can't express how happy I am over that.

My grandmother came to live with us for a few days. She nearly makes me cry. As much as I've seen the aging process, it's still not the happiest thing to see. There's tape on our kitchen floor to help her find out how to get to the bathroom from where she sleeps. She's confused about the shape of our house. I find her endlessly sticking onto random happy memories, about 40% of them fabricated in some way, that always make her smile. Of course, I never correct her. I let her tell me about all these happy memories that never happened. I feel so bad.

Hoping to hang out with some more furries again this week. We seem to be seeing movies or going out to eat almost once a week, not to mention that we do things almost every week after the shows as well. I'm so happy to have awesome friends again. I hate how I have to keep loosing and then finding them again. These friends should be here for a while though. They seem like even if shit happened, they'd stick by and solve the problem, just because I know they value my friendship.

Anyway, a lecture is starting, and thanks to an SSH tunnel, I'm typing this into a website I shouldn't even be on. I think I should be selected on my notes, not this text box. Time to fix that. *click*

 So this is going to most likely be completly random, skip a lot, and be totally disorganized. I'm just randomly blurbing about my life since I feel like it, and there's not much elsewhere to put it considering everyone is asleep.

Alright, lets start with this week/end. I'm taking a day off from school today. I find no reason to go into school for 3 movies, half a note sheet, and then early release. I have not taken a day off in a long time, and this is the only day I could do it. After a nice fight with the parents, it's all over and done and I'm relaxing on my laptop at this point. Tomorrow is going to be an exciting day. My good local furry friend is helping me, by actually going into Canada and picking up "Vash", a really interesting Therian I've known for a while. He practices shifting at a major level, to the point where you can project your bio-electric current into a near endless shift. He seems obsessed with the research, and he also seems to be in need of hugs, as am I. We plan to snuggle, a lot.

I can't exactly complain about my life to be honest. Sure school is dead as shit, but my friendship life is only growing. I had one of my common guests on FurCast tell me the other day, that for the first time he's really felt like he has true friends who care about him, like me, and some of the rest of the typical hang out group. Really changes your perspective on things. Life doesn't suck, it's just annoying right now. The shows are going insane to say the least. We'll be advertising on FurAffinity by next week, and I just bought a second condenser microphone and professional scissor stand, with ONLY viewer donation money. Me and Kaze are slowly working on the merchandise store, and I have plans for the new contact page as well. The intros and new jingles? Yeeeaaahhhhh we'll see. Until then, the ears on my cute hat will be flopping to the electro house beats and other new EDM I'm discovering. I think that freken hat that my co-host left over at my house will be my new signature "I was here" kinda thing hahah.

Me, Chance, Fayroe, and Josh all saw The Social Network. They're my new weekend hang out crew from the looks of it. The movie was hands down fantastic. The soundtrack was beautiful, the only things that were truly left out from real life, were just irrelevant things, and the story was breathtakingly interesting. I plan to see it again soon.

Meanwhile my room is a mess. It turns down my productivity when it's like this. I need to get this studio cleaned, set it up for the weekend madness. My mom really needs her website worked on which I've been slacking off on as well. I'm starting to realize that we're in heavy control of the fun we have in our lives, and how we want it to run our life. Anyway, I need to get that done so I can have enough money to go with the rest of my friends to FurFright.

I kinda got a punch in the face from google reader today. My last relationship is still bugging me a bit. What bugs me the most, is it wasn't something I wanted to happen, and since no-one will listen to my perspective, everyone still thinks it's all my fault. Apparently distance and time away is needed, yet the other side can still voice what they feel? Kinda unfair, especially after the massive email I received about everything that I MYSELF did wrong and how I was rude and disrespectful. I guess I don't have that same privilege. Needless to say, when ever the others are ready to fix it, they can give me a phone call. I refuse to do this text stuff anymore. That's not coming together so solve it maturely, that's just giving up and running away from it. I guess I can just never talk about or bring the whole thing up and I'm fine, but that's still unfair to me, it bugs me, and the reasoning of being "disrespectful" "pushing things" and "pointing fingers" is kinda ridiculous at this point. Luckily I've found some new friends. There's no snuggling, ever.... which is driving me out of my mind, but they're all cool people. I've been asked out twice and denied for an answer each time. I'm just not really interested in that stuff yet for now. I like to solve problems 100% and then move on, rather than wait on things that I could just as easily work with now, as later. Not to mention that I deserve the right of my voice in on the matter that I apparently can't have. The whole thing was caused by little negative effort from what I could see at first, to the realization that apparently I was causing problems for my partner for months, yet no-one told me. No-one told me when I explicitly asked to be told. I was never sat down. I was never emailed. I was never talked to about how I was doing things wrong. You could say I should have figured out for myself. As it turns out, even from evidence my partners give me on why I was wrong that they see, I actually did. It wasn't enough certainly, but also, I did ask to be told, on several occasions, and never was. I figured that maybe I wasn't clear enough on that I wanted this, until I looked through old chat logs. I'll just wait this whole thing out, but still, I'm not going to budge or even accept people back into my life until they can tell me that they have a full ear on what I need to say about my perspective comparative to theirs, and that also, THEY CONTACT ME rather than me contacting them all the time. I'm waiting, and there's a lot of criteria. Essentially I've given up on it all, to move on and just find new friends.

I'm really developing a love circle again. I like it. My other friend who's visiting at some point soon told me that I'm the first person who ever said I'd listen to him and not judge and assume the worst when he talks about his personal problems. Kinda blows me away in a few senses. They're doing so much for me, and I know most of these guys LOVE broadcasting with me. Considering that, the fox actually changed his work schedule specifically so he could be on my show as much as possible, and considering that my other friend wants heavy conjunction between mine and his shows, as well as to be close friends.

I'll have snuggle partners from my viewers apparently at FF. I can't wait for that let me tell ya. Looks like it will still be all I get for a while, unless my amazing crazy leopard friend ends up flying sooner that spring break like it's planed. I fixed his computer last week, which I'm happy about. I don't have much contact with him, other than when he calls me after he gets out of work to hang out. I've decided that I need some kind of feline, preferably a leopard to always be in my life. They stabilize me with their awesome perspective on life.

It's all about perception. Perception of your perspective. Your perspective and understanding that it's just yours, and that everyone else has a feeling, that from observers point, would re-define a LOT of things.

I'm not gonna rant about meditation, or thoughtfulness, or how this even works in my brain. Not now...

I'll rant about my life and the things going on in another blog post.
For now, a little history of me lesson.

It was daycare. I was in daycare before I was home schooled by my mother, who, hilariously enough, worked for the public school system as a school teacher. 

Every day, there was "nap time". Half way through the day, the teachers would get out these little mini beds, and all the little kids after lunch, would sleep on them while the teachers would break, or collect papers etc.
This is how I learned to observe my environment. I got in trouble almost every day, for not sleeping. I never could. I'd sit there for an hour and a half, watching all the kids, looking like dead bodies, but I could never do that. I remember once I was next to a shelf, that had a clear bin of blocks and a few toys. I'd hide under the covers and look forward into the bin, and stare at all of them. I quickly learned that if I appeared asleep, they'd think I was, and not come over and harass me for not doing what I was told. I could not reach my hand into the bin and change anything. I might be able to move my head and observe better, in the dark classroom... but for that time being, the only thing I could do, is just stare at them, and observe every little part of them. A little square block had a chip in it. I remember trying to think of that little wooden block's entire life... Everything that made that chip in it, and everything that put it into it's exact place of where it was, around all the others. There's an entire life behind things and we're the only thing to sit and realize it. As a little kid, I learned by force, to relax, and observe things for what they were. Take in everything about an object, not just the industrial design of it, but it's personal story that make if different from the rest of it's alike pieces. That, as well as why it is where it is. Hours, one spot, tons of items, tons of story, a life for each one, and mine.

I just realized a few minutes ago, that I do this same thing today. I still do it. I'll be bored and just feel like thinking. I'm tired but my mind isn't. I'll sit there, and just stare at a section of the room, and think of every thing that's there, and why, and the story behind it. Don't move the book out of the way of the shoe on the bedroom floor, no, just.... look at it there and imagine the entire story of why it's mindlessly and carelessly put in that place.

Why the fuck am I writing this? Does this matter to anyone? Probably not but I don't much care. The floor next to this bed has a story and I'm going to find out what it is.

Well I sit here with incense burning, hot chocolate, and all the cool lights on in my room.
Tonight has been quite a satisfying night.

It started with an argument between me and Shroud. Well, no first it started with him talking about his stresses, and then ONE of his stresses happened to start an argument. My mate was extremely frustrated that I had seen a few episodes of Season 3 of Battle Star Galactica. A few days before him and Menokh got back to the furry house, I spent some time with their house mate Dragoth watching it. I don't remember much from it, but Shroud was extremely disappointed that I did. Him, like me, deeply cares about the way people think. He loves watching things with me to talk about our psychological thoughts after it's over. This is very similar to him showing me Fight Club, and us ranting on for hours about all the things that happened and what's good and bad about it. Apparently BSG has been ruined for me, because of the few characters I remember seeing. It proves they lived. After a long chain of disagreements on that, and how there's more than the plot to any story, as well as there being more than the over all moral to a story, and rather, HOW the story is told but NOT the plot itself still, is what actually compromises what I enjoy when watching..... Blah blah blah it went on for about 20 minutes. Finally we started realizing some things and started agreeing again. By the end of the banter we were really feeling close again. We realized how much we are like each other, and that arguing doesn't draw us apart, but rather, makes us fit even closer. It makes you start realizing, "hey, we can fight, TOGETHER." As strange and as wrong as that context is, it's almost like saying "We can live our lives together."
You can say "We can banter and fight, together, rather than against each other."

It ended up proving AND reminding me of one of my greatest sayings/thoughts. It says "I love arguing, because it's absolutely pointless and you don't get anywhere." What i love about arguing is no-one wins. There's no point. And you never make any progress. See, that bugs most people, but I LOVE IT. It reminds me of all of life itself, to which I have the same philosophy.

It reminds me also of an argument I had with a furry troll once, who said "I'm sick of arguing with you, we're not getting anywhere.". To which I said "So? Do we have to get anywhere? Why does everything have to have a purpose? Why do you always have to be making PROGRESS with anything you do? Can't you just learn without there being a reason?"

Not only that, but you also get to learn about YOURSELF when you argue. You have to constantly splurt out REASONS, to why YOU ARE RIGHT. You have to fight for something that by the time you're done, you're not even sure if you ARE right, but you fight anyway. In the end, all you can do is go back and learn from it, despite getting no-where. It's just like open relationships. When you open up, you realize how much more perfect that one person is for you. it's the same philosophy. Most people can't stand doing something pointless. They can't stand the idea that something has absolutely NO purpose other than itself. But me....... haha... I LOVE IT.

After a nice shower and a cup of tea, I went onto facebook. Typing and typing away at random things, until finally I made a facebook post:

"I love arguments. They have no purpose, just like life. They never get anywhere, and they're not meant to. I LOVE THAT! The only thing you can do is learn from them because of fighting for a side that inside, you even know might not be the right one. Awesome."

Hilariously enough, a giant comment "war" started. Me and a few people bantering endlessly about the point to things, and life, and other jargin about life and philosophy. About 65 comments later I said:

"Well as I get ready to go and make a cup of tea, and start some other things in my day, I can safely say that I got what I wanted here. I think many of you need to scroll up and look at the original post here. I LOVE arguments. I feel all satisfied now. I'll be back online later. For now, psychological ranting hormones can settle."

Now I relax here, all satisfied and content, being closer to my mate, strangely after arguing, and typing this journal entry. Arguing lets you learn. It lets you make sure of yourself. It helps you. But it makes no progress while it's happening. Most people hate it. I love it.

It almost adds another philosophy to my list of ideas. Was all of life created, so that the person who created it could watch stupid ignorant people rant and fight endlessly with each other over what the point of it is rather than just living, so that the creator can laugh their asses off and eat popcorn watching the nonsense?

Is the universe laughing at us? In that case, wow, God is such a douchebag.

Well my life has gone a bit all over the place lately. I'm sitting here on my laptop, downstairs with some tea, relaxing at about 2 AM... I'm remoting to my upstairs computer talking to people, and typing this.

The biggest thing on my mind inevitably, is my furry friends moving away. More specifically in my heart and mind, is my mate that's included in that move. The move has been VERY hard on me lately. I know I'll survive of course, it just takes time, or processing in my mind to get by it. I'm trying to keep myself busy, but thanks to my efficient mind that knows how to do a lot, it brings me right back to my mate.

You know, it surprises most people that I got INTO the relationship with my mate KNOWING he was going to leave in about 5 months. I don't regret it either. Several conversations that I've had with people, where I've analyzed this have shown me that I rarely regret things. Regret, meaning that IF YOU COULD go back, and change what happend, you would. I NEVER HAVE THAT. I guess I'm more interested in fixing and learning from the problem rather than hating the fact that it happend. The same goes for this relationship. I'd never regret getting into this stress, because both my mate, and his mate (yeah it's a dramaless clusterfuck), have changed my life. I'd never want to take that back, because I am a completely different person because of them. That's not some stupid little "oh, you've changed my heart forever mate" kinda bullshit. NO. If you asked me where I've wanted to go with my life before, and after meeting them, my answers would be VERY different.

Anyway, point being, I don't ever regret getting into this. People keep telling me "well you KNEW this would happpen".... and my response to them is "YEAH, well you're going to inevitably DIE some day, and that doesn't stop you from your goals, an you learning does it?" I honestly am not phased. I'm happy to have him at the level I have. We spent hours crying together on the days we were moving things into the moving van. I canceled the shows that week too. We decided together, that what me and my mate have, is something special, and we've never felt it before. For that reason, we decided also that our relationship is BEYOND the move. That still doesn't mean I'm not going to bawl my eyes out when their car pulls away in the driveway. It feels good to cry. I'm glad I do. It lets out a lot of special energy.

Days after coming home, I try and keep myself busy doing what I love, broadcasting. I feel alone in the studio very often, because I feel that everything I accomplish is something that only I care about. Especially since I solve many things that are VERY behind the scenes, like our sample rate problem. I won't get into that now haha. I got the donation system working though. Hopefully we'll generate some monies so I can do some much needed upgrades to the broadcast system.

Finally yesterday, I got off my computer. I got sick of the non stop communication to people on topics I don't care about. I got sick of refreshing my inbox endlessly.

I got on my laptop, with no communication software running, and I streamed from my music computer, some awesome minimal techno, and even a drum and bass track. I played it so loud over my headphones it wasn't even funny. My ears hurt, but it felt great. (Yeah, strange statement). I raved my ass off to every bit of the synths pealing away at my ears in stereo sound. Then I noticed a flicker at my window. It was thundering and lightening.

I raced downstairs, and got some ice tea. I then sat in the back room of the house. It has many windows and sky windows, so I could hear the rain. Finally, I said "alright, fuck this."

I got up, opened the back door in the room, and went out on to the back deck. I spent nearly two hours outside in the pouring rain. Eventually I started laughing. I don't know why, but I wasn't going to stop it. I just kept pacing around and laughing, and singin' around to a song I had stuck in my head. I came inside soaked at about 6 AM, the thunder and lightening still pounding. I took a shower, relaxed, and slept. I can't tell you how refreshing and happy that made me for some reason.

That doesn't solve my problems, but maybe the radio shows will help solve the stress. I've been waiting to broadcast, and let me stress out through the radio waves. Maybe the radiation from the CRT monitors in the studio kills the my brain cells that produce stress? I don't know.

Either way, I need to update this shit more.

Something about allowing your mind to just, PROCESS, works. IDK why. There's nothing I can do to solve or fix this move, or get me and my mate together physicall again for a while. The ONLY thing I can do, is keep my mind busy, and move on with the stress.

I'm jealous of my friend josh. My good online friend, Josh, is living with me in my house now. Me and my family took him in, after he wanted to come to new york to 1. be with his girlfriend (which he found through me), and 2. get away from his con-artist druggy father.

Anyway, the reason I'm jealous of him, is for his high communication level with his girlfriend Leslie. They have a lot of pointless drama in their relationship that I'm much beyond. Over criticalness and other redicilous things, but I am still jealous at how they spend time together so often, and watch things together, and they call each other often, and text most of the day. I can do without the texting, but damn, if I talked with those I love that much, it would solve a LOT of this stress.

I watched a film recently called "Helvetica". The film was about type face fonts, and how they effect artwork. It's a lot of detail about computer fonts too, which I really enjoyed. I love documentaries like that.

Well that's about enough for this post. I don't want the scroll bar getting any smaller.
Bye for now.

Can't wait for the shows tomorrow, and Saturday. I need it. Badly.